All right, people, listen up:
Fecal Matter is not intended to be ingested.
The phrase Eat shit was really designed as an insult, a sarcastic remark meant to convey disdain or disgust. It was not intended to be taken literally, people.

Over the past two days, I have heard of two – yes, two – instances in which people have ingested fecal matter in some form. Seriously, this is nasty.

Yesterday morning, I was innocently driving to work, as I do every weekday, listening to Preston and Steve on 93.3. They started talking about a video, something called “2 Girls, 1 Cup.”
Whatever you do, do not attempt to watch that video. Anywhere. Ever.
Just trust me on this one.

I have not watched the original video, but I have watched the YouTube reaction videos, as well as John LaJoie’s musical tribute to the original. Really, that should have been enough for me to realize that I should never, ever, ever pursue this line of thought any further. But no. I chose to share it with a friend. And my friend watched it. And was kind (??) enough to give me a play-by-play. And you know what? It doesn’t matter how many times you explain it to me, I will never understand how anything in that video could be considered erotic.

So later in the day, I came across this little nugget (ack, bad phrasing) on the Smoking Gun, which talks about Jenkem. Do you know what Jenkem is? I didn’t know what Jenkem is. But now I do. Ready? Here you go:

Jenkem or jekem is an inhaled gas which can result in dissociation and hallucinations.It is made from fermented sewage.

Read that last part again:

It is made from fermented sewage.

And yet, people inhale it. Yes, they inhale the gas. Made from poop.

Just to clarify (not that there should be any need): poop is a composite of a few things – water and indigestible food material, among others. The only thing in poop that should be entering your body on a regular basis is water, people. WATER. Preferably alone, though it’s ok if you mix it with, like, Kool-Aid mix. If it’s indigestible material, you should not be trying to digest it again. Eating poop causes big problems. Did you know you can get parasites from eating poop? That’s right, parasites!

GAH. What is it with this ingesting-poop-fetish? It’s waste, people! WASTE. Don’t put it in your mouth. Don’t breathe it in on purpose. Don’t wear it, or touch it, or otherwise let in come into contact with your body unless there is no possible way for you to avoid that.

And for God’s sake, wash your hands.