Dear Jackass Dad Who Killed the Big Spider at Daycare This Morning:
I know that spider was huge (and when I say huge, I really mean GINORMOUS) , and I understand all the girls who were squeaking about it in the classroom probably think you’re some big-shit hero now for smashing a spider with a broom, but I just think you’re an ass. So I wanted to point a few things out to you:
- Seriously, a broom? What, are you not tough enough to smash it with your shoe? Oh, wait, I get it – those hideous $100 shoes from Bostonian probably wouldn’t feel so nice with some squashed spider on the soles.
- When I say, “No, don’t kill it,” the appropriate response in front of children is probably something akin to, “Oh. Well, what would you suggest?” The appropriate response in front of children is definitely not “What, so that friggin’ thing can bite my son? Hell no!”
- Perhaps “that friggin’ thing” wouldn’t bite your son if he wasn’t trying to poke it in the ass with his finger.
- Did no one ever tell you that spiders are, in fact, beneficial to us? Yeah. Seriously, true story: they eat other bugs and stuff.
- And if you paid any attention to the thing which you were smashing so valiantly with a broom, you would recognize that it was a wolf spider. Wolf spiders, by nature, are generally pretty mellow. They don’t attack humans unless provoked (by, say, a five-year-old poking inquisitively at their asses), and if they do happen to defensively give a nip, their bites are negligible – perhaps a little itchy, a little red, but not usually much more than that.
Now I know it may be hard for you to comprehend this, seeing as how you’re busy waving your broom all over, but look – some of us like to show a little respect for the creatures of the world. It’s our way of helping to balance the universe. Perhaps you might consider that next time.
And if you are going to smash another spider with your broom, you should smash it until you’re sure it’s dead. Put the thing out of its misery entirely. Don’t leave it curled up in a little ball to fidget and twitch its way into death.
The Hippie Mom Who Gave You Attitude This Morning